Notes from my Iphone

Hanging out with the Unknown

“Sometimes I wish I could disappear.

Like any memory of me in another to be wiped away. 

Maybe I wish I was invisible.. to experience what life is like without any knowledge of my existence or essence. 

These days I’ve been infatuated with the legacy I am leaving of myself or if I’m even leaving any legacy at all. I haven’t been inspired to write anything. I haven’t even been inspired to talk. These days I just want to listen. Listen to the sounds around me. Are they safe? Are they positive? How do they make me feel? 

Listen to the people around me.. do they see me, the real me or am I just a projection of an idea they have of me? Do they treat me well in my silence? If I am not performing for them do they still love me? If I want to only do what I want to do — do they still support me? 

My heart has been bleeding these days. My mind is unhappy. My spirit knows something but won’t reveal it to me, so my conscious mind suffers. I’m holding on for dear life to hope that this will all make sense. I’m going in circles making sense of the nonsense. 

I’m quiet because I feel silly being this unhappy. I have a lot to be thankful for. I want to disappear because I am ashamed I feel this way about my life when I have people who love me. Even if they don’t love me like I want to be loved, they still really love me. 

I feel silly even writing this. But 19 days into the new year — I wanted to document these thoughts. Share them. Because in the midst of defining my legacy, this too is apart of it. 

I am still looking forward to when these feelings are all behind me. 

Something remains brewing though still hidden. 

The veil is trying to teach me something. 

I’m still searching —hanging out with the unknown.” 

- JANUARY 19TH, 2024 (notes from my iPhone)

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Dear reader, I am proud to say a week and some change after writing this — I have hit a milestone.

This past week was my birthday and I swear when the clock struck 12am and it was January 23rd, I felt a shift in my consciousness. I felt relieved. A wall of bitterness has been broken and on the other side of it, is a vast forest. Birds in the trees, fruit on the leaves. It’s abundant. I don’t feel afraid to go in it. I actually want to take my time with it. Explore each part. Remain present. Document moments that stand out.

My heart is filled with certainty now. Doubt has been laid to rest, at least for now.

I’ve been smiling a lot more. Listening to music that feeds my soul. Eating foods that keep me nourished. Spending time with loved ones instead of inside of my head while in their presence. I’ve been reading a lot more. Finding my words through others.

My thoughts are also pleasant. Sending me lots of love and grace. No more irritated internal monologue — just the sounds of a sweet baby girl actually. I like to think this a younger yet wiser me.

I’ve taken the month of January to be with myself. This is my birth month and last year took me through so much — I needed to really reflect, go within, hold on to, let go and integrate all the medicine from my past hurt and wounds.

I am still integrating. Still letting go — it’s just more ease involved. Seamless almost.

I plan to get back to bringing my thoughts here consistently again. I also plan on bringing some visual reflecting to this space. My goal for this year is to bring more creativity into my actual life and provide myself with a creative outlet during time — so I started a Youtube Channel and would love to share my first video with you all.

Thirty - one feels like she’s got my back. She feels like she’s going to show me everything that I’ve been searching to know. She’s going to bring me to places I couldn’t even dream of. She’s going to show me why it will be all worth it. I am thankful to see another year on this earth. I am thankful for every part of my journey so far.

Let me know how 2024 has been for you so far —

And when your birthday comes around, what are you hoping this next age brings to you?

Thirty - One and Disneyland